Uncertainties

6 a.m. “I don’t feel like going to school today.” yawn escaped her crimson pink lips. 

But she did got to school, because that one eye contact with him in the hallway everyday was her painkiller.

9 a.m. “He’s staring at me.” She looked away, hiding behind the sycamore tree while her best friend tried to convince her he’s not worth it.

12 p.m. “Trignometry is way too easy.” She said proudly “but trying not to be anxious isn’t.” Her conscience made her believe. 

3 p.m. She reached home. “I dont feel like eating right now.” and so she pushed away the plate because the jock of the class called her fat and her insecurities made her believe she really was. 

6 p.m. “Oh God, he hasn’t replied in 3 hours. What if I am being clingy?” 

The what ifs filled her head up once again.

9 p.m. “Live fast, die young. Bad girls do it well.” She sang while organising her bookshelf and going to sleep at 9:10 on a Friday night. 

12:15 a.m. He finally replied but she was busy dreaming about Heathcliff and Mr Darcy because that was her only escape from all the insecurities. 

W/N:Hi reader! Okay so after a really long time I decided to post something on this blog with a different format and it’s kinda short. I really dont know if anyone will like reading this but I was really insecure about posting this I dont know why, so if you liked it please  leave your comments in the comment section below, it would mean a looooooot. 

Thank you(!!!)

Dear Future-Self

Dear future-self, 

Life is hard, but you have to be strong. I hope you're smiling right now but there will be days when you would want to give up, don't because you have to continue and prove others wrong. People will forget what you did for them, get used to it. You will make mistakes and you will regret some of them too but you have to keep up. People will try to find your weakness and then destruct you using it but don't let them be strong. It will be hard, harder than it seems but remember some people will always be there to support you and don't let them go. But do not depend yourself on other person, try being your own holder. This world, it gets crueler everyday, you have to fight it and get on the top. If you can't get over someone who you thought would stay forever, you will move on trust me.You may think you will never find love again but there will always be someone to prove you wrong, there will always be someone who will love you much more. So trust me, whatever you're going through now, better things will come. I never believed people when they said this but I got over it and you will too. 

Don't beg people to stay, if they wanted to they would never make you beg, just show them their worth in your life and they will stay. No matter how nice or kind you will be, you will always receive  hate so don't care about it. People will hate you just to satisfy themselves, show them you are not affected by it and you shouldn't be. Don't let your feelings fuck you up. It's okay if you get a breakdown or two, never bottle up your feelings. Not everyone will like you and not everyone will stay. Deal with reality and face it strongly. At the times you will be at your most vulnerable state, don't let people take advantage of it. Don't change yourself for someone else or when it is not making you happy. Change is good only when you're happy about it. Don't harm yourself for someone else, no one is worth even a single scar on your body.

Just remember most of the good things come to an end, that is life and you have to live it. You have made it so far and you have to continue.... 

Love forever,

Your younger, messed up, sad and overweight, yet doing the best I can self 

Get Over Your Self-Loathing

ARE YOU GETTING BETTER (at hating yourself)? Stop asking yourself or thinking why you aren't enough, stop. You're enough, you're more than enough. Stay away from people who make you feel you're hard to love, who think you're ugly, who call you disgusting names, they aren't worth your affection and caring.

Just admit it, you walk past girls at your school/college/work thinking "Why aren't I that beautiful?" You walk past hot guys thinking "Why aren't I dating one of them? You walk past a cute couple thinking "Why didn't my crush asked me out? You look into a mirror thinking '"Why did I have to be me?" Yes you, stop being unhappy with yourself. If anyone hates your quirks, screw it. You don't owe anyone anything that you would change yourself for them.

This maybe a regular blog post about stopping you from hating yourself but for a minute think that the reason of your sadness or depression, includes self-loathing. Every fucking one out there will say bad stuff  'bout you sooner or later, it is a part of life. If you will let that effect you, you will be more depressed. Try caring less because once you start caring, its all over the place and to be honest you will be screwed. You cant expect others to love you when even you don't love yourself. Lowering your self-esteem for people who don't even care about you is stupid, you may think you will never get over it but you also thought it would last forever.

NOTE FOR THOSE WHO ASSUME THINGS WITHOUT THINKING EVEN FOR ONCE:
Stop it. Someone out there is disgusted by himself because of your comments. Everyone has reasons for whatever they are doing with there lives, you have no right to judge them. It may not mean a little to you but the person is already going through a lot and you're making it worse. What goes around, comes back around, so don't be a victim when it comes to you. Ironic, how you blame society for this when you don't even know you're a part of it. Every day the person you call fat is starving himself because of you, the girl you call an attention seeker is cutting herself everyday, the guy you call a weirdo is hated by his parents,the girl you call a slut isn't even allowed to call boys. So if you think you are making it better by judging them, you're dumb. If there characteristics are bothering your ass that much then ask them, that will be better instead of assuming. No one is perfect, accept that. Why do you even care bout what others are doing, go get a life. Slut shaming and back bitching will take you nowhere. 

NOTE FOR THOSE WHO HATE THEMSELVES:
You're not perfect stop trying to be. Deal with your flaws, don't let people make your flaws your weakness. You will always find people that will love you even with your imperfections. Don't let people get to you easily. You have to stop caring. It will be hard to just stop caring but it will be worth it.You're not ugly, you are adorable. If you cut, stop because no one is worth it, if they were worth your cuts they wouldn't have been the reason you're cutting. Don't be insecure, you're more than enough. Once you stop caring people will start noticing and they will find different ways to hurt you.Things will get hard sometimes, don't get weak. It is okay to be like this. Give up on giving up. You will find bad people every where.Never let anyone handle you, eat whatever you want, wear whatever you want, do whatever you want just do not let anyone make you sad. 

If you're holding back from doing something because of thinking what people will think, fuck it do whatever the fuck you want to.

XXX




 

New Year, NO New Me

It's been almost four days since another year has passed away leaving back all the bittersweet memories of last year.

"New year, new me." Every new year this phrase is used by millions of people who are trying to bring a change into themselves just because the previous year was bad enough to not be repeated.Some are trying to change themselves while some are finding new ways to get high.

The height of irony lies where people try to bring a change in themselves for those who don't give a single fuck about them, and it happens a lot they just don't realize it.While most of the other times some or other person tries to change himself because he doesn't fit in his social group, thinking that changing himself will help (but it doesnt.)

Honestly, I'm just done with this 'change yourself and be a better person' situation, caring what people think about you will take you nowhere. I'd just stay (overthinking, trying to be optimistic, not good with feelings and socially awkward.) who I am. It's okay to feel different, its okay to be yourself, its okay to listen to yourself.

So this new year don't try to change yourself thinking it will result in good year because deep inside you'll be wondering what the hell you're doing with your life. Don't stress yourself thinking that you're different from them, laugh because all of them are same.And don't try to fit yourself in cliche categories.

If you end up with a boring life because you listened to people who wanted you to change then you wont be able to turn it back so might as well do whatever you want to.

xxxx